Harming Children Through Compliments

This is one of the most surprising things I've learned about parenting since becoming a parent, so I decided to write my first post about it.

First, a story about ME. I was in a PhD-level stats class last year, and after a month or two of the class, the teacher had made some comments to me about how I'm good at statistics understand stuff better than most. That was really nice of him, but these comments had a curious effect on me. I became afraid to ask questions that seemed stupid, especially if I could tell that other kids in the class had already grasped the concept being taught that day. I was afraid he'd change his high opinion of me. Stupid, I know.

And parents often do the same thing to their kids.

A psychologist at Columbia did some cool studies that help explain what was happening to me. First, she gave elementary-school kids a puzzle to do, and it was so easy that every single kid completed it relatively quickly. As soon as the child completed the puzzle, she would give a single line of praise: "You're really good at puzzles!" Or, "You must have worked really hard!" The interesting part of the study was when she administered a second round of puzzles. This time, the puzzle was so difficult none of the children could complete it. But the kids who were told after the first puzzle that they're "really good at puzzles" made significantly less progress compared to the kids who were told that they "worked really hard." This outcome has been corroborated by many other studies.

Here's the takeaway: Complimenting kids (or anyone, for that matter!) on things they have no direct control over (e.g., implying a kid is naturally smart or naturally good at something) is bad. They want to prove you right, but there's nothing they can do about it, nothing they can directly control that will prove you right. So, when they're faced with something that might prove you wrong, they just give it up or avoid it so they won't let you down.

Instead, kids need to be praised for things they have control over. "You must have practiced a lot to get that good." "I love how you kept doing your best and not giving up." Things like that. It puts them in control of proving you right, which will minimize their frustration and increase their willingness to try hard things. It teaches kids that they have control over some things in life, and those are the things they should be focusing on.

By the way, this is a good lesson for us, too. We can't control the decisions our kids make. We can only teach them and love them and pray for them. The rest is up to them and their personal agency.

1, 2, 3, PEE! The Happy Way to Potty Train

Potty training. WOO HOO! Mostly when I hear parents talking about potty training it is with a groan – so naturally I was a bit apprehensive about starting the whole process with #1 a couple of years ago. However, we now have THREE little girls all potty trained and I have to say, it really wasn’t so bad! #1 was just over 2 years old, #2 was 2 ½, and #3 was 22 months.  I didn’t plan to train #3 so early, but she was practically begging me, so we went for it.

Here’s what we learned:

1. Maybe this is just our style, but we used and LOVED the jump-in-with-both-feet-sink-the-ships-no-turning-back approach. It helped us as parents (and our kids) to know that we were committed. Big girl underwear is the new normal and diapers will never return! This also means we don’t use pull-ups and we night train at the same time as day training. We followed the plan set forth in “Three Day Potty Training” by Lora Jensen (you can check out her website and get the e-book here). I have to say, it worked! All three times! The complete commitment and dedication really pays off, even though it is sometimes difficult to work out three full days of focused attention on one child when you have so many other demands on time. Being right by the child and catching them in the act of going pee and rushing them to the potty EVERY TIME is really what helps the child figure out their need to go so quickly. It was worth it for us. Granted all our kids are little still so we have fewer outside commitments…but I still think we will try to do it this way every time.   
2. I noticed there are really four main milestones you have to reach during the training process (which for us was three days) before your child is fully potty trained: (1) They have to recognize the need to pee and communicate to you before they go, (2) they need to recognize the need to poop and communicate to you before they go, (3) they need to be able to go when asked to go, which is simply so that you can confidently leave your home without an accident, and (4) they have to wake up dry from sleep. The first two milestones are huge steps for them and you can see it “click” when they get it. The fourth just came naturally for our girls we daytime trained and we followed the suggested method. There are other small milestones, such as recognizing they are peeing and stopping themselves, which happen along the way, but these four signify completed potty training! I think these steps are more quickly and easily reached when you are completely focused on the potty training process for a short period of time. 
3. Praise and positivity wins the day! The whole focus of the “Three Day Potty Training” is on positive reinforcement. Praise, praise, praise! I love seeing them SO excited about “big girl unders!” and SO excited running into the next room saying, “Ah pee pee on ah potty!!” It’s awesome. And it works – even this last time with child #3. She had being doing so well and then on day 2 she randomly started freaking out about peeing and refused to sit on the potty and would hold her pee until it leaked down her legs. Hysterical screaming. For an hour. Thankfully I was able to remain calm and positive (since we think forcing it and making it a negative/battle thing is super counter-productive). After she finally gave in (I ignored her while she was throwing a fit and she just sat down on the potty herself and went), I poured on the praise and the rewards! I continued with the process and by the end of the day she was peeing and pooping like a champ over and over and telling us before she had to go every time. Amazing.