How I Should React When My Kids Do Something Wrong

Ever since I heard this story in 2006, I keep thinking of it random times, and a couple weeks ago I finally figured out why I like it so much.

Recently I attended the funeral of a lifelong friend. His son told a beautiful story of parental patience. When the son was in his youth, his dad owned a motorcycle dealership. One day they received a shipment of shiny new motorcycles, and they lined them all up in the store. The boy did what every boy would like to do, and he climbed up on the closest one. He even started it up. Then, when he figured he had pushed his luck far enough, he jumped off. To his dismay, his dismount knocked the first bike down. Then, like a string of dominoes, they all went down, one after another. His dad heard the commotion and looked out from behind the partition where he was working. Slowly, smiling, he said, “Well, son, we had better fix one up and sell it, so we can pay for the rest of them.” (Robert C. Oaks, The Power of Patience)

This story is about more than just patience. When one of my children makes a mistake, I, the ever-dutiful father, tend to be quick to respond (usually lovingly) with correctional words. Sure, this is good of me because I am helping her understand what she did wrong so she can avoid the mistake in the future. But what a child needs first and foremost when she makes a mistake is . . . comfort. She already knows she did something wrong, and she feels bad about it, so she first needs to know that I still love her and that everything will be okay. Then I can help her process where she went wrong. And she’ll be ready to learn.

But sometimes even that processing part isn’t even necessary. The kid in the story already knew exactly where he went wrong, so his dad didn’t need to say, “Son, I hope this helps you understand that you need to do a better job obeying me.” Instead, the father only comforted him. This requires patience, but, crucially, it also requires an understanding what a person needs most when they make a mistake.

Putting myself first--and why it's not selfish.

This is a lesson I seem to learn and relearn and then learn again. Putting myself first should be easy, right? The selfish, easy approach. Wrong! It's not. It's hard.

Here is what I mean by putting myself first:

I need to have my needs met and myself ready before I can effectively meet the needs of others. It's a simple principle of self-reliance. We cannot help others when we cannot help ourselves. So what are my needs?

1. I need to develop my relationship with God. This is the top priority every day. So really in putting myself first, I am putting the Lord first. When we put Him first, everything else falls into place (see this great talk by President Benson). For me this includes prayer and scripture study, which is most effective when I can sit down and devote a chunk of time to it.

2. I need to exercise. I think I am an addict. I become a crazy person when I do not exercise. For me, exercise is not about my body so much as it is about my mind. Honestly, I just need exercise to keep me sane! Somehow when I exercise I am better able to think and handle the stresses of my day. Plus I reap the added benefits of physical health, like making better food choices throughout the day.

3. I need to be prepared for my day. I need a plan. For me morning prayer helps with this as I think about what I need to accomplish during the day and also as I ask the Lord to help me with the things I am struggling with (see Alma 37: 36-37). As I pray and think about these things I can formulate a plan for the day and little things to focus on--such as enjoying my children in their specific phases, or remembering to praise the good things I see them do, or devoting one-on-one time to each of them that day. And, I'm a list person. Those little checklists make me much more effective!

I prioritize these things for myself, yes, but for the intent that I might be a better wife, mother, friend, and person throughout each day.

I think the key is identifying your needs. What do you need to do to prepare yourself to be the best wife/mother/husband/father/whatever you can be that day? Get those things done to start your day OR plan them at a time you know they will get done. For me, I need to do them first before kids wake up whenever possible. It always means a more effective and happier day--for me, as well as everyone around me!

Stopping Kids from Whining Every Time They Get a "No"

I have two scenarios for you, both of which we've probably all observed 1000 times.

Scenario 1: The parents say to the young child, "It's time to go." And the child immediately starts crying and whining, successfully delaying the departure either because the parent-child battle goes back and forth for a long while or because the parent gives in and lets the child stay longer.

Scenario 2: The child asks for something. The parent says no. The child makes multiple arguments (invariably in a whiny tone), gets no multiple times, and then finally succeeds in wearing down the parent enough that the parent exasperatedly says yes, mostly just to get rid of the annoying pestering. And then the parent complains about their kids' pestering and unwillingness to just take no for an answer.

The solution: la cadre. I read about this in a great book, Bringing Up Bebe. Cadre is French for "frame." The principle is this: parents need to be as liberal and apt to say yes as possible, but the parent also lays out the rules and is absolutely strict on them. In other words, make the frame as large as your child's level of maturity can possibly allow, but hold absolutely firm on not allowing them to cross that frame. Apparently this is a thing in France.

When you do this, the first benefit is that it eliminates all the arguing and pestering because the child soon learns that arguing will get them absolutely nowhere because your answer will not change, worlds without end. But you have to make absolutely sure that the best answer is "no" before you give it, otherwise you'll be stuck enforcing something that was unnecessarily strict. Thus the recommendation to be apt to say yes as much as is reasonable.

The second benefit is that your child will come to trust your words. She will know that when you speak to her, you mean what you say, and it won't change on a whim. This is so comforting for a child--it gives her world order. And it's crucial to any stable parent-child relationship. So set your cadre and watch how your kids respond!

P.S. Empty threats are lies. LIES. They undermine trust. Never ever use them; your kid has to know that if you say you'll give her a punishment for doing something, you ABSOLUTELY will follow through on it.