Harming Children Through Compliments

This is one of the most surprising things I've learned about parenting since becoming a parent, so I decided to write my first post about it.

First, a story about ME. I was in a PhD-level stats class last year, and after a month or two of the class, the teacher had made some comments to me about how I'm good at statistics understand stuff better than most. That was really nice of him, but these comments had a curious effect on me. I became afraid to ask questions that seemed stupid, especially if I could tell that other kids in the class had already grasped the concept being taught that day. I was afraid he'd change his high opinion of me. Stupid, I know.

And parents often do the same thing to their kids.

A psychologist at Columbia did some cool studies that help explain what was happening to me. First, she gave elementary-school kids a puzzle to do, and it was so easy that every single kid completed it relatively quickly. As soon as the child completed the puzzle, she would give a single line of praise: "You're really good at puzzles!" Or, "You must have worked really hard!" The interesting part of the study was when she administered a second round of puzzles. This time, the puzzle was so difficult none of the children could complete it. But the kids who were told after the first puzzle that they're "really good at puzzles" made significantly less progress compared to the kids who were told that they "worked really hard." This outcome has been corroborated by many other studies.

Here's the takeaway: Complimenting kids (or anyone, for that matter!) on things they have no direct control over (e.g., implying a kid is naturally smart or naturally good at something) is bad. They want to prove you right, but there's nothing they can do about it, nothing they can directly control that will prove you right. So, when they're faced with something that might prove you wrong, they just give it up or avoid it so they won't let you down.

Instead, kids need to be praised for things they have control over. "You must have practiced a lot to get that good." "I love how you kept doing your best and not giving up." Things like that. It puts them in control of proving you right, which will minimize their frustration and increase their willingness to try hard things. It teaches kids that they have control over some things in life, and those are the things they should be focusing on.

By the way, this is a good lesson for us, too. We can't control the decisions our kids make. We can only teach them and love them and pray for them. The rest is up to them and their personal agency.