I am at a family function. Or a party. Or the grocery store. Or church. I am trying to have a good time. I want my kids to be happy and well-behaved--and for all of my family (or friends) to see how happy and well-behaved they are. So when my 4-year-old breaks out in fits of hysterics over a spilled lemonade I feel the need to justify the behavior to myself and those around me. Before I can think I am spurting out, "I'm sorry, she's just so tired!" Admittedly, it may be 2 hours past her usual nap time and she may indeed be hysterical for that very reason! But, what message am I sending to my child by excusing her behavior?
I think when our kids hear us excuse their behavior to others we are sending the message that their behavior is excusable. (Shocker!) But it's not. (Or, at least it's not once they are old enough to control themselves, which I will talk about in a second.) At some point our kids must learn to be accountable for their behavior, regardless of their circumstances. It is my job as a parent to teach them how to do that.
I don't think parents intentionally teach kids to not be responsible for their behaviors...I think it starts when they are babies and then we just carry it on. I have a newborn baby (3 weeks old). When she starts to cry I immediately try to pinpoint the reason. Is she hungry? Tired? Crying is really her only form of communication and it's my job as a parent to determine her need and fill it. So it's okay to say, "she's just hungry," and whisk her off for a meal. But, as she grows and becomes more capable of controlling her emotions and actions, my reactions need to grow and change as well.
True, while she is a toddler and preschooler I still need to understand the cause of her cry (or more probably her negative behavior)--and it very often will be the same reasons as when she was a baby. She is tired! She is hungry! But now I have TWO jobs: One, recognize and address her need. And two, help her learn to deal with her needs appropriately. I can say TO MYSELF, "Oh, she is probably starving since she didn't eat her breakfast." I can get her a snack or distract her until food is available. But I also need to teach her how to deal with being hungry. "Hey, how are you feeling? Oh, you are hungry? Does that make it harder to be happy? I know, it is harder for me to be happy when I am hungry too, but we still have to do our best to be happy even when we feel hungry. We still have to be nice to others."
I can just hear people reading this and thinking I am over the top and that making a comment about your child being tired or hungry is such a small thing and no big deal and your kids won't notice...you might be right. But, I really think kids are smart and they are always paying attention. And although it might be subtle, I think the message is being sent. "Hey! My negative behavior is okay because I am tired. It's okay to act poorly when I am tired." I would just rather avoid sending that message to my kids. I'd rather send the message, "I can control myself even when it is hard."
I've been working on this and it is difficult to resist the urge to explain that my child is not normally a brat! But, I need to set my ego aside. Even more important than others thinking my kids are well-behaved and happy is me being a good mom and helping my kids learn to control and be accountable for their behavior.
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