Picky Eater? It's the Parents' Fault

Sometimes I hear parents complain about how picky their kids are, and I want to say, "It's your own darn fault--you've trained them that way!" (Sorry.) You, too, are guilty if you do any of the following:

·         If your child doesn't like a meal, you let them get away with eating something else instead

·         You avoid giving your child certain foods because you know they will refuse (and then eat something else--see above)

·         When your child complains of being hungry (which happens regularly), you give them a snack

·         You sometimes say no to a snack, but your child somehow ends up eating before the next scheduled meal anyway

Teaching kids not to be picky is so easy if you can just learn how to avoid interfering with the natural consequences* that come from being a picky eater. Here are the three principles that, if understood and followed religiously, will cure the vast majority of picky eating.

Principle 1: Kids will eat food they don't like before they will starve

If a child refuses to eat a meal you put before them, this is what you do: Explain to them that, if they don't eat, they'll be hungry until the next meal, and then CARRY THROUGH WITH THAT PROMISE, ALWAYS (think of la cadre). If, at the next meal, they again refuse to eat the meal you put before them, no worries. Just explain again that they'll be hungry until the next meal. You can keep going like this, and I promise you that you can't lose--you have 1000s of years of evolutionary physiology on your side. Your child will eventually be driven by hunger to eat food they don't like, and they will not even become malnourished in the meantime. This is not harsh--it’s good parenting.

Kathy thinks that, with the littles who are too young to understand these explanations, you can be a little bit lenient (maybe a very small healthful extra snack before the next meal sometimes if they’re super hungry and cranky from not eating the prior meal), but I believe that even the littles figure out the pattern themselves soon enough if they experience hunger after not eating their meals. You’ll have to decide for yourself on that one.

By the way, this doesn’t mean you should never feed them snacks. One small, healthful snack a day at a scheduled time (maybe in between lunch and dinner) is probably a good thing, but be careful--don’t give them a bigger snack just because they didn’t eat much of their last meal (again, that would be interfering with the natural consequence of not eating a meal).

Principle 2: Food preferences are not fixed

My favorite story that illustrates this is about a food critic who decided that disliking certain foods was unfair of him, so for a whole year he ate nothing but all the foods he disliked the most. By the end of that year, many of those foods had become his favorite foods, and he liked nearly all the rest of them. I've had the same experience with many foods (tomatoes, olives, fermented soybeans). In our house, if someone doesn't like a food, we say they don’t like it YET, which helps ingrain this principle. Kids often have to try a food more than 10 times before they start to appreciate it!

Consider also that they may be reacting to the texture or appearance, not just the flavor. So, let them try various foods that incorporate that same flavor/texture/appearance that they’re balking at, and eventually they’ll start to like it. The key to this, though, is that they have to try at least one bite of everything you put before them, every time! Force the one bite into them if you have to; it's that important. Our kids are not allowed to leave the table until they've eaten at least 1 bite of everything, and we don't push for anything more (as explained above). Same goes for spicy foods, but please do it by degrees lest you completely traumatize them.

Principle 3: You can trust your body to know how much to eat

Kids are, on the whole, really great about eating until their tummies are full. Some days, this may be very little. Other days, it may be more than you. Either way, don't worry about it! Again, 1000s of years of evolutionary physiology. But, many parents kill their child’s natural ability of knowing when to stop eating by requiring them to eat all the food on their plate. The last bite is not the magic bite. Please don’t turn eating into a goal-directed empty-your-plate process for your child, because then eating is disconnected from fullness/satiation, which opens the door to all sorts of eating disorders. Trust that, if you’re putting well-balanced meals in front of your child, they will eat the right amount and be healthy.

If you follow these three principles religiously, not only will you have healthier, happier, less-picky children, but food will cease to be a stressor in your home. Next post, I will share some other tips and tricks we’ve discovered along the way.

* Natural consequences: The negative/positive consequences that automatically come after a bad/good decision. They are inherent in the decision. For example, if you don't eat your dinner, you'll be hungry. The other kind of consequences is artificial consequences, which are extra things that the parents do to a child when they deem the natural consequences of a decision (good or bad) to be too weak or too delayed to sufficiently motivate the child to make the right decision.

Getting Kids to Do What You Want, Part 2

Recap: In Part 1, I talked about the initial steps to persuade a child to do what you want--the idea was basically to ask them to make a good decision and explain why. And then to do that again. And again. And again, forever.

In Part 2, I'm going to talk about the options parents have to try to add some additional motivation for a child to make a good decision.

But first, I need to explain a super-important concept: natural consequences. Every good decision has, inseparably attached to it, good consequences. And bad decisions have inevitable bad consequences. These are the "natural consequences" of a decision. For example, going to bed early helps you feel good the next day, and going to bed late makes you feel like junk the next day. I talked about this in Part 1, but I didn't provide the term. Now you know.

One last thing about natural consequences: Your job is to help your child understand them! Talk about them before a decision. Talk about them after a decision (to help her link up her consequences with the decisions she made). Ultimately, your child will have to make decisions based on these natural consequences when you're not there to boss her around anymore, so talk about them! And, to the extent possible, minimize the artificial consequences (rewards/punishments) you give your child so she can get lots of practice making decisions based on their natural consequences while you're still around to help her process them.

Now, there are plenty of situations when you'll still decide to add artificial consequences (especially when children are too young to understand the natural consequences of a given decision), so here are your main options:

Punishments

Taking away privileges: The classic grounding, taking away toys, sending to their room, etc. This can be effective if your child actually cares about the privilege you're taking away.

The "stern voice": You know the voice, the one you hear far too often when you see parents interacting with their kids in public. This is many parents' default any time their child is even remotely out of line, and I hate it. How would you like someone to talk to you like that all the time? But, I confess, there may be appropriate times to pull this one out. But never in frustration and always in a controlled, purposeful expression of sternness.

Spanking: Controversial, yes. Evidence suggests it's totally fine in some circumstances. All I know is that it should never be done in frustration. And it should probably be preceded by a warning, such as, "If you [make this decision], you will get a spanking."

Regardless of which of these punishments you use at various times, the most important part of any of them is what you do immediately after: "[Show] forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy." You'll notice how hard this is to do if you're ever punishing in anger or frustration.

Rewards

Bribing: This is almost universally a bad option. The child learns to do good things for the artificial benefit you added to the deal rather than for the positive natural consequences that follow a good action.

Sporadic, unexpected rewards: This is an after-the-fact reward, so it won't help them change a bad behavior to a good one, but it will positively reinforce good behaviors. And since it's unexpected, it doesn't have the same effect as a bribe.

Praise: This also is an after-the-fact reward, but it's the most important and also the most frequently forgotten one! Why are we so good at telling our kids what they did wrong and so bad at telling them what they did right? They're growing up in this vacuum of knowing what not to do but not being sure what to do. The awesome feeling of someone recognizing you for doing a good thing can be one of the best motivators to continue on that path of good decisions.

Conclusion

This all seems like a lot to remember, but it boils down to this: Disciplining a child should be done "only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge." And don't forget to apologize when you make a mistake. They'll forgive you. Over. And over. And over.

Getting Kids to Do What You Want, Part 1

We woke up one morning recently to our girls moving all their beds into one room. That's really cute of them, so we left it. But the result is that bedtime has become . . . an ordeal. They just can't find the little-girl willpower within themselves to ignore their sisters and go to sleep. Our various attempts to get them to sleep have got me thinking about how we can get kids to do what we want.

First, there are two crucial things to remember:

1. You cannot actually force kids to go to sleep (or do anything, for that matter). All you can do is persuade.
2. Frustration is always wrong in parenting. So, if you're frustrated, you're doing it wrong. For me, frustration usually means I'm annoyed at myself for not knowing the best way to persuade them.

Okay, so how do you persuade a child to make a good decision?

Step 1: Kindly ask them to do what you want and then teach them why you're asking them to do it. It shouldn't be, "Go clean your room!" Instead, it should be something like, "Will you please clean your room? We want our house to be clean because that helps us have a good feeling in our home." The why part is so often forgotten, but it's crucial! Kids need to learn that good decisions are good because they bring good consequences. And only when a child finally is able to link her consequences with her choices will she start to have the foresight to make decisions with consequences in mind. This may be the most important life skill of all!

Step 2: Repeat Step 1 over and over. Don't expect them to get it in the first 10 (or 20!) times because often they won't. And that's okay--they're kids!

But what if, after repeating Step 1 countless times, your child still not doing what you want?

Step 3: It's decision time. You've got two options: (a) do nothing (other than continue to repeat Step 1 over and over) or (b) add consequences (punishments and/or rewards). I'll talk about punishments and rewards in Part 2, but right now I have some acclaim for the "do nothing" option.

Choosing to do nothing requires saintly patience. It also requires sagacity to ensure it's not perceived by the child as you being powerless/free to be walked all over (don't forget la cadre). But hear me out: I know lots of adults who were hellions as kids, the kind of kids on whom none of the sundry parenting tactics worked, but those hellions still grew up, gained insight, and became awesome people. So maybe we all just need to chill out a bit and remember that as long as we show love to our children and teach them what's right (by word and example), they'll grow out of it. Eventually.

How I Should React When My Kids Do Something Wrong

Ever since I heard this story in 2006, I keep thinking of it random times, and a couple weeks ago I finally figured out why I like it so much.

Recently I attended the funeral of a lifelong friend. His son told a beautiful story of parental patience. When the son was in his youth, his dad owned a motorcycle dealership. One day they received a shipment of shiny new motorcycles, and they lined them all up in the store. The boy did what every boy would like to do, and he climbed up on the closest one. He even started it up. Then, when he figured he had pushed his luck far enough, he jumped off. To his dismay, his dismount knocked the first bike down. Then, like a string of dominoes, they all went down, one after another. His dad heard the commotion and looked out from behind the partition where he was working. Slowly, smiling, he said, “Well, son, we had better fix one up and sell it, so we can pay for the rest of them.” (Robert C. Oaks, The Power of Patience)

This story is about more than just patience. When one of my children makes a mistake, I, the ever-dutiful father, tend to be quick to respond (usually lovingly) with correctional words. Sure, this is good of me because I am helping her understand what she did wrong so she can avoid the mistake in the future. But what a child needs first and foremost when she makes a mistake is . . . comfort. She already knows she did something wrong, and she feels bad about it, so she first needs to know that I still love her and that everything will be okay. Then I can help her process where she went wrong. And she’ll be ready to learn.

But sometimes even that processing part isn’t even necessary. The kid in the story already knew exactly where he went wrong, so his dad didn’t need to say, “Son, I hope this helps you understand that you need to do a better job obeying me.” Instead, the father only comforted him. This requires patience, but, crucially, it also requires an understanding what a person needs most when they make a mistake.

Stopping Kids from Whining Every Time They Get a "No"

I have two scenarios for you, both of which we've probably all observed 1000 times.

Scenario 1: The parents say to the young child, "It's time to go." And the child immediately starts crying and whining, successfully delaying the departure either because the parent-child battle goes back and forth for a long while or because the parent gives in and lets the child stay longer.

Scenario 2: The child asks for something. The parent says no. The child makes multiple arguments (invariably in a whiny tone), gets no multiple times, and then finally succeeds in wearing down the parent enough that the parent exasperatedly says yes, mostly just to get rid of the annoying pestering. And then the parent complains about their kids' pestering and unwillingness to just take no for an answer.

The solution: la cadre. I read about this in a great book, Bringing Up Bebe. Cadre is French for "frame." The principle is this: parents need to be as liberal and apt to say yes as possible, but the parent also lays out the rules and is absolutely strict on them. In other words, make the frame as large as your child's level of maturity can possibly allow, but hold absolutely firm on not allowing them to cross that frame. Apparently this is a thing in France.

When you do this, the first benefit is that it eliminates all the arguing and pestering because the child soon learns that arguing will get them absolutely nowhere because your answer will not change, worlds without end. But you have to make absolutely sure that the best answer is "no" before you give it, otherwise you'll be stuck enforcing something that was unnecessarily strict. Thus the recommendation to be apt to say yes as much as is reasonable.

The second benefit is that your child will come to trust your words. She will know that when you speak to her, you mean what you say, and it won't change on a whim. This is so comforting for a child--it gives her world order. And it's crucial to any stable parent-child relationship. So set your cadre and watch how your kids respond!

P.S. Empty threats are lies. LIES. They undermine trust. Never ever use them; your kid has to know that if you say you'll give her a punishment for doing something, you ABSOLUTELY will follow through on it.

Harming Children Through Compliments

This is one of the most surprising things I've learned about parenting since becoming a parent, so I decided to write my first post about it.

First, a story about ME. I was in a PhD-level stats class last year, and after a month or two of the class, the teacher had made some comments to me about how I'm good at statistics understand stuff better than most. That was really nice of him, but these comments had a curious effect on me. I became afraid to ask questions that seemed stupid, especially if I could tell that other kids in the class had already grasped the concept being taught that day. I was afraid he'd change his high opinion of me. Stupid, I know.

And parents often do the same thing to their kids.

A psychologist at Columbia did some cool studies that help explain what was happening to me. First, she gave elementary-school kids a puzzle to do, and it was so easy that every single kid completed it relatively quickly. As soon as the child completed the puzzle, she would give a single line of praise: "You're really good at puzzles!" Or, "You must have worked really hard!" The interesting part of the study was when she administered a second round of puzzles. This time, the puzzle was so difficult none of the children could complete it. But the kids who were told after the first puzzle that they're "really good at puzzles" made significantly less progress compared to the kids who were told that they "worked really hard." This outcome has been corroborated by many other studies.

Here's the takeaway: Complimenting kids (or anyone, for that matter!) on things they have no direct control over (e.g., implying a kid is naturally smart or naturally good at something) is bad. They want to prove you right, but there's nothing they can do about it, nothing they can directly control that will prove you right. So, when they're faced with something that might prove you wrong, they just give it up or avoid it so they won't let you down.

Instead, kids need to be praised for things they have control over. "You must have practiced a lot to get that good." "I love how you kept doing your best and not giving up." Things like that. It puts them in control of proving you right, which will minimize their frustration and increase their willingness to try hard things. It teaches kids that they have control over some things in life, and those are the things they should be focusing on.

By the way, this is a good lesson for us, too. We can't control the decisions our kids make. We can only teach them and love them and pray for them. The rest is up to them and their personal agency.