Getting Kids to Do What You Want, Part 2

Recap: In Part 1, I talked about the initial steps to persuade a child to do what you want--the idea was basically to ask them to make a good decision and explain why. And then to do that again. And again. And again, forever.

In Part 2, I'm going to talk about the options parents have to try to add some additional motivation for a child to make a good decision.

But first, I need to explain a super-important concept: natural consequences. Every good decision has, inseparably attached to it, good consequences. And bad decisions have inevitable bad consequences. These are the "natural consequences" of a decision. For example, going to bed early helps you feel good the next day, and going to bed late makes you feel like junk the next day. I talked about this in Part 1, but I didn't provide the term. Now you know.

One last thing about natural consequences: Your job is to help your child understand them! Talk about them before a decision. Talk about them after a decision (to help her link up her consequences with the decisions she made). Ultimately, your child will have to make decisions based on these natural consequences when you're not there to boss her around anymore, so talk about them! And, to the extent possible, minimize the artificial consequences (rewards/punishments) you give your child so she can get lots of practice making decisions based on their natural consequences while you're still around to help her process them.

Now, there are plenty of situations when you'll still decide to add artificial consequences (especially when children are too young to understand the natural consequences of a given decision), so here are your main options:

Punishments

Taking away privileges: The classic grounding, taking away toys, sending to their room, etc. This can be effective if your child actually cares about the privilege you're taking away.

The "stern voice": You know the voice, the one you hear far too often when you see parents interacting with their kids in public. This is many parents' default any time their child is even remotely out of line, and I hate it. How would you like someone to talk to you like that all the time? But, I confess, there may be appropriate times to pull this one out. But never in frustration and always in a controlled, purposeful expression of sternness.

Spanking: Controversial, yes. Evidence suggests it's totally fine in some circumstances. All I know is that it should never be done in frustration. And it should probably be preceded by a warning, such as, "If you [make this decision], you will get a spanking."

Regardless of which of these punishments you use at various times, the most important part of any of them is what you do immediately after: "[Show] forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy." You'll notice how hard this is to do if you're ever punishing in anger or frustration.

Rewards

Bribing: This is almost universally a bad option. The child learns to do good things for the artificial benefit you added to the deal rather than for the positive natural consequences that follow a good action.

Sporadic, unexpected rewards: This is an after-the-fact reward, so it won't help them change a bad behavior to a good one, but it will positively reinforce good behaviors. And since it's unexpected, it doesn't have the same effect as a bribe.

Praise: This also is an after-the-fact reward, but it's the most important and also the most frequently forgotten one! Why are we so good at telling our kids what they did wrong and so bad at telling them what they did right? They're growing up in this vacuum of knowing what not to do but not being sure what to do. The awesome feeling of someone recognizing you for doing a good thing can be one of the best motivators to continue on that path of good decisions.

Conclusion

This all seems like a lot to remember, but it boils down to this: Disciplining a child should be done "only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge." And don't forget to apologize when you make a mistake. They'll forgive you. Over. And over. And over.

Getting Kids to Do What You Want, Part 1

We woke up one morning recently to our girls moving all their beds into one room. That's really cute of them, so we left it. But the result is that bedtime has become . . . an ordeal. They just can't find the little-girl willpower within themselves to ignore their sisters and go to sleep. Our various attempts to get them to sleep have got me thinking about how we can get kids to do what we want.

First, there are two crucial things to remember:

1. You cannot actually force kids to go to sleep (or do anything, for that matter). All you can do is persuade.
2. Frustration is always wrong in parenting. So, if you're frustrated, you're doing it wrong. For me, frustration usually means I'm annoyed at myself for not knowing the best way to persuade them.

Okay, so how do you persuade a child to make a good decision?

Step 1: Kindly ask them to do what you want and then teach them why you're asking them to do it. It shouldn't be, "Go clean your room!" Instead, it should be something like, "Will you please clean your room? We want our house to be clean because that helps us have a good feeling in our home." The why part is so often forgotten, but it's crucial! Kids need to learn that good decisions are good because they bring good consequences. And only when a child finally is able to link her consequences with her choices will she start to have the foresight to make decisions with consequences in mind. This may be the most important life skill of all!

Step 2: Repeat Step 1 over and over. Don't expect them to get it in the first 10 (or 20!) times because often they won't. And that's okay--they're kids!

But what if, after repeating Step 1 countless times, your child still not doing what you want?

Step 3: It's decision time. You've got two options: (a) do nothing (other than continue to repeat Step 1 over and over) or (b) add consequences (punishments and/or rewards). I'll talk about punishments and rewards in Part 2, but right now I have some acclaim for the "do nothing" option.

Choosing to do nothing requires saintly patience. It also requires sagacity to ensure it's not perceived by the child as you being powerless/free to be walked all over (don't forget la cadre). But hear me out: I know lots of adults who were hellions as kids, the kind of kids on whom none of the sundry parenting tactics worked, but those hellions still grew up, gained insight, and became awesome people. So maybe we all just need to chill out a bit and remember that as long as we show love to our children and teach them what's right (by word and example), they'll grow out of it. Eventually.

How I Should React When My Kids Do Something Wrong

Ever since I heard this story in 2006, I keep thinking of it random times, and a couple weeks ago I finally figured out why I like it so much.

Recently I attended the funeral of a lifelong friend. His son told a beautiful story of parental patience. When the son was in his youth, his dad owned a motorcycle dealership. One day they received a shipment of shiny new motorcycles, and they lined them all up in the store. The boy did what every boy would like to do, and he climbed up on the closest one. He even started it up. Then, when he figured he had pushed his luck far enough, he jumped off. To his dismay, his dismount knocked the first bike down. Then, like a string of dominoes, they all went down, one after another. His dad heard the commotion and looked out from behind the partition where he was working. Slowly, smiling, he said, “Well, son, we had better fix one up and sell it, so we can pay for the rest of them.” (Robert C. Oaks, The Power of Patience)

This story is about more than just patience. When one of my children makes a mistake, I, the ever-dutiful father, tend to be quick to respond (usually lovingly) with correctional words. Sure, this is good of me because I am helping her understand what she did wrong so she can avoid the mistake in the future. But what a child needs first and foremost when she makes a mistake is . . . comfort. She already knows she did something wrong, and she feels bad about it, so she first needs to know that I still love her and that everything will be okay. Then I can help her process where she went wrong. And she’ll be ready to learn.

But sometimes even that processing part isn’t even necessary. The kid in the story already knew exactly where he went wrong, so his dad didn’t need to say, “Son, I hope this helps you understand that you need to do a better job obeying me.” Instead, the father only comforted him. This requires patience, but, crucially, it also requires an understanding what a person needs most when they make a mistake.

Putting myself first--and why it's not selfish.

This is a lesson I seem to learn and relearn and then learn again. Putting myself first should be easy, right? The selfish, easy approach. Wrong! It's not. It's hard.

Here is what I mean by putting myself first:

I need to have my needs met and myself ready before I can effectively meet the needs of others. It's a simple principle of self-reliance. We cannot help others when we cannot help ourselves. So what are my needs?

1. I need to develop my relationship with God. This is the top priority every day. So really in putting myself first, I am putting the Lord first. When we put Him first, everything else falls into place (see this great talk by President Benson). For me this includes prayer and scripture study, which is most effective when I can sit down and devote a chunk of time to it.

2. I need to exercise. I think I am an addict. I become a crazy person when I do not exercise. For me, exercise is not about my body so much as it is about my mind. Honestly, I just need exercise to keep me sane! Somehow when I exercise I am better able to think and handle the stresses of my day. Plus I reap the added benefits of physical health, like making better food choices throughout the day.

3. I need to be prepared for my day. I need a plan. For me morning prayer helps with this as I think about what I need to accomplish during the day and also as I ask the Lord to help me with the things I am struggling with (see Alma 37: 36-37). As I pray and think about these things I can formulate a plan for the day and little things to focus on--such as enjoying my children in their specific phases, or remembering to praise the good things I see them do, or devoting one-on-one time to each of them that day. And, I'm a list person. Those little checklists make me much more effective!

I prioritize these things for myself, yes, but for the intent that I might be a better wife, mother, friend, and person throughout each day.

I think the key is identifying your needs. What do you need to do to prepare yourself to be the best wife/mother/husband/father/whatever you can be that day? Get those things done to start your day OR plan them at a time you know they will get done. For me, I need to do them first before kids wake up whenever possible. It always means a more effective and happier day--for me, as well as everyone around me!

Stopping Kids from Whining Every Time They Get a "No"

I have two scenarios for you, both of which we've probably all observed 1000 times.

Scenario 1: The parents say to the young child, "It's time to go." And the child immediately starts crying and whining, successfully delaying the departure either because the parent-child battle goes back and forth for a long while or because the parent gives in and lets the child stay longer.

Scenario 2: The child asks for something. The parent says no. The child makes multiple arguments (invariably in a whiny tone), gets no multiple times, and then finally succeeds in wearing down the parent enough that the parent exasperatedly says yes, mostly just to get rid of the annoying pestering. And then the parent complains about their kids' pestering and unwillingness to just take no for an answer.

The solution: la cadre. I read about this in a great book, Bringing Up Bebe. Cadre is French for "frame." The principle is this: parents need to be as liberal and apt to say yes as possible, but the parent also lays out the rules and is absolutely strict on them. In other words, make the frame as large as your child's level of maturity can possibly allow, but hold absolutely firm on not allowing them to cross that frame. Apparently this is a thing in France.

When you do this, the first benefit is that it eliminates all the arguing and pestering because the child soon learns that arguing will get them absolutely nowhere because your answer will not change, worlds without end. But you have to make absolutely sure that the best answer is "no" before you give it, otherwise you'll be stuck enforcing something that was unnecessarily strict. Thus the recommendation to be apt to say yes as much as is reasonable.

The second benefit is that your child will come to trust your words. She will know that when you speak to her, you mean what you say, and it won't change on a whim. This is so comforting for a child--it gives her world order. And it's crucial to any stable parent-child relationship. So set your cadre and watch how your kids respond!

P.S. Empty threats are lies. LIES. They undermine trust. Never ever use them; your kid has to know that if you say you'll give her a punishment for doing something, you ABSOLUTELY will follow through on it.

Everything We Learned About Buying a Used Car

I know this isn't exactly a parenting topic, but it's relevant to most parents at some point, so I decided to share. Normally we like to keep our posts really short, but I’ve forgone length limits on this one because I wanted to put everything in one place (to help myself in the future when I need to buy a car again).

Kathy and I had our first experience buying a used car three months ago. It was a super time-consuming process because we'd never shopped for a used car before and because we're pretty intense about doing our homework. After two months of owning that new car (a minivan, actually), a deer slammed into it when Kathy was going 80 mph on the highway. Our family was okay, but now we had to go through the whole car-buying process again!

Having refined our car-shopping skills (twice!), we have quite a few recommendations:

Figure Out Exactly What You Want

This might be the hardest part, but the goal is to define what you want so specifically that a quick search on Craigslist or vast.com or cars.com or autotrader.com or ksl.com will pull up no more than 20 or 30 cars that fit your criteria. We took the approach of looking for an 8-seater that will be super reliable, will last 10+ years, and that will have the lowest cost/mile driven possible. A car depreciates the fastest in the first 30,000ish miles, so we looked for something with 30,000-50,000 miles, will last 150,000+ more miles, has really good gas mileage, and few maintenance requirements. That meant a Toyota Sienna or a Honda Odyssey. So we went and drove one of each, liked the Sienna way more, and decided to only look at Siennas.

We also learned that cars have "generations," and that the differences between each year's model within that generation are minimal. For example, the first year of the current Sienna generation was 2011, and it’s very nearly the same as a 2014 Sienna. But if you compare a 2011 Sienna to a 2010 Sienna, they're worlds apart. Since the current generation of Siennas gets better gas mileage than the older generations, we wanted to get a 2011 or newer. And, to get even more specific, when we were looking at prices of 2011s and 2012s with the same number of miles, the 2011s were usually close to $1,000 cheaper, and same for comparing 2012s and 2013s. So, we specifically focused our searches on 2011s since we’d pay thousand(s) less for a van that’s almost exactly the same as the newer ones.

Also, get to know the different trims (trims, in case you don’t know—I didn’t!— are the different levels of interior and exterior features on a car to add to its appeal; usually there are 2-4 trim levels for each car ranging from a base trim with little but the bare necessities to a high-end trim sporting leather, navigation, entertainment, etc.). So decide on the features you want and which trims have those features. Avoid higher trims because they’ll generally have tons of features that you don’t care about but make the car more expensive. For example, a Sienna LE has everything we want except leather seats. A Sienna XLE has leather, but it also has navigation, a power liftgate, a sunroof, and lots of other features we didn’t care so much about but make it at least $4,000 more expensive than an LE. So we decided to get an LE and then have the dealership add leather, which cost an additional $1,350.

If You’re Financing, Get Pre-approved

You'll see why this is so important when we get to the negotiating. Go to a few local credit unions (even if you don't have an account with them) and see how much they will approve you for, and at what rate. Do this within a 2-week window since all credit checks within a 2-week period count as a single credit check. We had way better luck with credit unions than banks, and don't even touch internet car loans! They are only for people with horrible credit, and even then their interest rates were sky high.

Get to Know the Market

Now you can start seriously looking at what's available. Do it online using one of the websites listed above. The hard part about figuring out what's the best value is that they all have different amounts of miles and are in different conditions. How to deal with this: It doesn't take too long to figure out about how much a car depreciates for each additional mile. You can be a nerd and plot them on a graph, or you can estimate. We found that Siennas depreciate by about $0.11 per mile, so we adjusted all the list prices to make them all be priced as if they have 40,000 miles. Email me if this is confusing. After the mileage adjustment, it was pretty clear which cars were the best deal, assuming they are in equivalent condition. To find out the condition, you can look at pictures, check out the carfax (which is a useful tool, but does not necessarily have all the pertinent information—see below), or go test drive them. Don't forget to take into account how much tread is left on the tires, the number of keys and key fobs they have, when the brakes were last replaced, and if the car has had its recommended maintenance. If two cars are priced the exact same but one has new tires and new brakes, that's a way better deal! And remember that it's riskier to buy a car that hasn't had regular oil changes and recommended fluid flushes, so those ones should be priced lower.

Dealer vs. Private Seller

I've heard that you can get better deals from private sellers, which makes sense because they don't impose a "dealer fee" and they're usually not experts at negotiating. They also probably don't know the market quite as well as you do at this point, and often they're desperate to just get rid of the vehicle so they'll go down in price more than a dealer would. But we didn't get the chance to try buying from a private dealer because the Siennas we were looking at were new enough that people who bought them 3 years ago aren't selling them! The only ones on the market were lease returns, so we could only get them at dealerships.

The dealer fees are standardized in some states (e.g., Ohio) and not in others (e.g., Utah), so if you're shopping at dealerships, make sure you find out what fees they add on when you're doing your price comparisons since the fees can range by more than $400. Also, some dealerships have "no-haggle pricing" and others are willing to reduce price, so it's good to find that out too when you're comparing prices.

This is a good time to mention why dealerships do that stupid "I don't know if I can sell the car to you for that cheap a price, I have to go ask the manager" thing. An individual salesperson has an incentive to lower the price almost to whatever you're willing to buy it for (as long as they make a little bit of commission still) because they're that close to getting a sale and a bunch of commission. They don't want you to leave without buying from them. But the manager has a different perspective. If the manager lets a salesperson sell a car for much cheaper than what it could be sold for, the profit that goes to the dealership from that sale is suboptimal. So the manager's job is to keep salespeople from selling cars just to get quick sales, even if it means you end up leaving without buying a car.

By the way, as a general rule, dealerships that sell the most cars are generally the ones with the low-margin high-volume strategy (i.e., they make a relatively small profit from each sale but they sell a ton of cars to make up for that), so you're more likely to get a good deal from them. I don't know if there are listings of dealerships with the most car sales/year or something, but that would be a good place to find out the dealerships likely to offer the best deals. But this isn’t necessary if you’re doing your homework as recommended above!

Test Drive Some of Them

Now you are at the point of going out and test driving the ones you've figured are the best deal. The most important things to do when going to look at a car are to drive it and make sure it runs properly and then do a super thorough inspection of the entire car, inside and out, to find anything wrong with it. By super thorough I mean: push every button, move every seat, look in every nook and cranny. If, after doing all of that, you think you'd be willing to buy it for the right price, then you get to start the negotiating!

Negotiating

First, remember that there are lots of cars out there that are great deals, so don't get attached to any of them. If you get attached, it's a problem because you'll feel like you can't let it go, so you'll feel like you can't walk away without buying it, which means you'll end up paying more than you should. Before you even test drive the car, decide what your "walk price" is. This is the biggest bargaining tool you have. People trying to sell cars really really don't want to spend all that time with you only to see you leave without buying their car. So set that price beforehand, then adjust it up/down when you test drive and inspect the vehicle super thoroughly. So if, for example, you decide the vehicle is worth $15,200 after driving and inspecting it (and taking into account its tires, brakes, maintenance history, etc.), this means you'll actually walk away if they are unwilling to go any lower than $15,300. And since you know the market so well that you know you can get a better deal on one of the other cars you've been looking at, it's okay if you don't end up buying that one! This is the key point with the walk price: you have to truly be willing to walk away if they won't meet your walk price. We walked a handful of times when our negotiating couldn’t bring the price low enough for us.

Second, remember that people who like you are more willing to help you out (i.e., give you a better price). So don't see the salesperson as an adversary--see them as an advocate and friend helping you make such an exciting purchase! Enjoy being with them. Talk to them like a normal person. Have fun with the experience.

Third, keep some information to yourself. If this is easily the best deal (and you know that for sure because you've done your homework), don't tell them! Of course you'll set your walk price accordingly, but remember that you could get the car for less than that, especially if they don't know this car is listed for $500 cheaper than any other equivalent car you've been looking at. Good thing you know the market better than they do! If you've already been approved for a loan through a credit union, don't tell them. Just tell them you'll be financing. They like this because now they're thinking, "I can go a little lower on the price because we'll be making some extra money off them through the financing." Then, when the finance guy talks to you, that's when you tell him you'll be happy to finance through their dealership if they can beat the rate you've already been offered by the credit union. This is what allowed us to get a 1.99% rate from the dealership because we'd already been approved for 2.19% by our credit union. And if you're going to have them add leather or something, don't tell them until you're in the negotiation because then they’ll be thinking, "We'll make some profit off the leather too, so I guess I can lower the price a little more than I was planning on just a second ago."

When you make your initial offer, be specific with it. Make sure they know it's contingent upon them fixing all the stuff you found wrong with it (and, if necessary, what your mechanic finds wrong with it—see the Odds and Ends section for when you should have a mechanic look at a car you’re looking to buy), and explain your offer. We said something like this: "We were planning on buying this van today if we got the price under $21,000, but there's that rust on the door hinges, which is causing some concern. I know it's just aesthetic, but it may indicate rust elsewhere that's not just aesthetic. It's hard to know if that will ever be a problem, but there's a risk it will, so we're trying to quantify that risk, and we feel like the car is worth about $300 less because of it, so we are thinking $20,700 sounds fair." If you offer something not rounded to the nearest $1,000 or even $500, it indicates you know pretty precisely how much you'll be willing to pay and you're getting close to that limit.

You don’t have to prepare a speech or anything when you’re making an offer. They see through that. Just be yourself and be straight with them. This also will come easily if you’ve been treating them like a human from the get-go.

Then throw in some intangibles. We looked at the dealership's ratings on Google and Yelp before we went in. They had over 200 ratings on Google, almost all of them 5 stars, but they only had 1 review on Yelp. So we said we'd throw in a glowing review on both Google and Yelp and mention our salesperson's name specifically. That's worth a lot to some people even though you don't have to pay them any more money to do it, so it will often make them feel good about giving you an extra good price. I think this is what helped us and our salesman feel good about a super-low price.

The overall atmosphere of a negotiation shouldn’t be adversarial. Rather, you should be thinking, “I’m looking for a great deal, and I know a great deal when I see one (because I’ve done my homework). If you can help me get that, awesome! So let’s work together to see what we can come up with that will be acceptable to both of us. And if we can’t come together on something, that’s totally fine! No harm done, and it’s been fun to get to know you.” And since you’re friends with them already, this atmosphere should come easily.

And in general, you will have an easier, less stressful time looking for a car and negotiating if you don’t need to get a car immediately. The more time you have, the lower you can set your walk price because if the best deal won’t go low enough for you, no worries—there will be lots of time for more cars to come onto the market. Also, you might have noticed that this whole process takes some time, so that’s another reason to start nice and early.

Talking to the Finance Guy

This is also an important juncture now that you've agreed on a price and you've committed to buying the vehicle. The finance guy (I say "guy" because every one I've ever seen is male) has the job of eeking out as much extra money from you as possible while working out financing for the vehicle. Remember this principle when deciding whether to get any of their extended warranties, gap insurance, and whatnot: You should never buy insurance on something you can afford to purchase outright. I won't go into detail explaining why this makes sense, but it's a true financial principle. So if you think you can afford to pay for the maintenance that may become necessary on your car in the next 2 years, don't get the extended warranty! As long as you're not living paycheck to paycheck and have at least a reasonable amount of savings in your account, there's never a reason you'll have to get any extras from the finance guy.

Oh, and don't forget to look at the contract in detail to make sure all the amounts and other provisions are good. Don't worry about wasting his time while you do it because this is important. One thing, for example, is to see if there's a penalty for paying off the loan early, and to see if there are any fees you didn't know they'd be adding on.

Other Odds and Ends

You might consider going to look at a couple of the cars that are lower down on your list first just to get an idea of what condition you can expect them to be in, and also for the experience of doing your thorough inspection since you’re sure to miss stuff the first few times you do one. Then you could go look at the second or third best car on your list to see how low you could negotiate them down. If they meet your walk price, great! If not, you’ve gotten the practice negotiating and you will hopefully get the one that’s the best deal for even lower than your walk price.

Call a mechanic you trust and see if he'll be available to look the car over if you're looking at one from a private party or from a small dealer. Generally this isn't needed if it's a big, well-known dealership (but it never hurts) or if your car is "certified pre-owned." The mechanic's time will cost you something, so you don’t want to spend the money on this unless you’ve settled on a final purchase price and are going to buy the car. Just make the deal contingent upon it passing your mechanic's inspection and having no problems you're not already aware of.

Carfax and its equivalents don't have everything on them. It's very possible for a car to have been in an accident and then repaired at a place that doesn't publicly report its service records. Same goes for oil changes and maintenance places. If the Carfax has regular oil changes listed on it, you know for sure it's had its oil changes. If the Carfax doesn't have any oil change history listed on it, that's not telling you anything conclusive.

The U.S. government is getting a vehicle history reporting system going, but all states aren't participating yet. Regardless, it might have information on it that the Carfax doesn't have, and it's usually less than $5 to get one, so you should invest in one of those before you buy your new car. http://www.vehiclehistory.gov/

NMDA car values and Kelley Blue Book car values are great, but I found them to be useless. Don't rely on them--instead do your homework to thoroughly understand the market, and that's the best way to get an idea of what a car is worth.

Some dealerships focus specifically on finding the cleanest vehicles with branded titles (meaning they've had significant damage done to them or have been stolen or some other things), then they fix them up to perfection and sell them for much cheaper than you could get an equivalent vehicle with a clean title. These can be amazing deals, and I highly recommend it! But first make sure it’s a dealership that has been around for a while and is relying on its good reputation to continue to stay in business (e.g., Prestman Auto and Auto Source, which are both in Utah). You’ll also want to pay extra careful attention to how well and smoothly it drives. And be aware that the risk of getting a vehicle with a branded title is that if you try to resell it anytime soon (or if it gets totaled by a deer and insurance has to determine what its value was), you'll probably lose money.

Well, there you have it. I hope this saves you some time and helps you get an amazing deal like we did—twice!

"She's just hungry!" ... Excusing our Children's Negative Behavior

I am at a family function. Or a party. Or the grocery store. Or church. I am trying to have a good time. I want my kids to be happy and well-behaved--and for all of my family (or friends) to see how happy and well-behaved they are. So when my 4-year-old breaks out in fits of hysterics over a spilled lemonade I feel the need to justify the behavior to myself and those around me. Before I can think I am spurting out, "I'm sorry, she's just so tired!" Admittedly, it may be 2 hours past her usual nap time and she may indeed be hysterical for that very reason! But, what message am I sending to my child by excusing her behavior?

I think when our kids hear us excuse their behavior to others we are sending the message that their behavior is excusable. (Shocker!) But it's not. (Or, at least it's not once they are old enough to control themselves, which I will talk about in a second.) At some point our kids must learn to be accountable for their behavior, regardless of their circumstances. It is my job as a parent to teach them how to do that.

I don't think parents intentionally teach kids to not be responsible for their behaviors...I think it starts when they are babies and then we just carry it on. I have a newborn baby (3 weeks old). When she starts to cry I immediately try to pinpoint the reason. Is she hungry? Tired? Crying is really her only form of communication and it's my job as a parent to determine her need and fill it. So it's okay to say, "she's just hungry," and whisk her off for a meal. But, as she grows and becomes more capable of controlling her emotions and actions, my reactions need to grow and change as well.

True, while she is a toddler and preschooler I still need to understand the cause of her cry (or more probably her negative behavior)--and it very often will be the same reasons as when she was a baby. She is tired! She is hungry! But now I have TWO jobs: One, recognize and address her need. And two, help her learn to deal with her needs appropriately. I can say TO MYSELF, "Oh, she is probably starving since she didn't eat her breakfast." I can get her a snack or distract her until food is available. But I also need to teach her how to deal with being hungry. "Hey, how are you feeling? Oh, you are hungry? Does that make it harder to be happy? I know, it is harder for me to be happy when I am hungry too, but we still have to do our best to be happy even when we feel hungry. We still have to be nice to others."

I can just hear people reading this and thinking I am over the top and that making a comment about your child being tired or hungry is such a small thing and no big deal and your kids won't notice...you might be right. But, I really think kids are smart and they are always paying attention. And although it might be subtle, I think the message is being sent. "Hey! My negative behavior is okay because I am tired. It's okay to act poorly when I am tired." I would just rather avoid sending that message to my kids. I'd rather send the message, "I can control myself even when it is hard."

I've been working on this and it is difficult to resist the urge to explain that my child is not normally a brat! But, I need to set my ego aside. Even more important than others thinking my kids are well-behaved and happy is me being a good mom and helping my kids learn to control and be accountable for their behavior.