Getting Kids to Do What You Want, Part 2

Recap: In Part 1, I talked about the initial steps to persuade a child to do what you want--the idea was basically to ask them to make a good decision and explain why. And then to do that again. And again. And again, forever.

In Part 2, I'm going to talk about the options parents have to try to add some additional motivation for a child to make a good decision.

But first, I need to explain a super-important concept: natural consequences. Every good decision has, inseparably attached to it, good consequences. And bad decisions have inevitable bad consequences. These are the "natural consequences" of a decision. For example, going to bed early helps you feel good the next day, and going to bed late makes you feel like junk the next day. I talked about this in Part 1, but I didn't provide the term. Now you know.

One last thing about natural consequences: Your job is to help your child understand them! Talk about them before a decision. Talk about them after a decision (to help her link up her consequences with the decisions she made). Ultimately, your child will have to make decisions based on these natural consequences when you're not there to boss her around anymore, so talk about them! And, to the extent possible, minimize the artificial consequences (rewards/punishments) you give your child so she can get lots of practice making decisions based on their natural consequences while you're still around to help her process them.

Now, there are plenty of situations when you'll still decide to add artificial consequences (especially when children are too young to understand the natural consequences of a given decision), so here are your main options:

Punishments

Taking away privileges: The classic grounding, taking away toys, sending to their room, etc. This can be effective if your child actually cares about the privilege you're taking away.

The "stern voice": You know the voice, the one you hear far too often when you see parents interacting with their kids in public. This is many parents' default any time their child is even remotely out of line, and I hate it. How would you like someone to talk to you like that all the time? But, I confess, there may be appropriate times to pull this one out. But never in frustration and always in a controlled, purposeful expression of sternness.

Spanking: Controversial, yes. Evidence suggests it's totally fine in some circumstances. All I know is that it should never be done in frustration. And it should probably be preceded by a warning, such as, "If you [make this decision], you will get a spanking."

Regardless of which of these punishments you use at various times, the most important part of any of them is what you do immediately after: "[Show] forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy." You'll notice how hard this is to do if you're ever punishing in anger or frustration.

Rewards

Bribing: This is almost universally a bad option. The child learns to do good things for the artificial benefit you added to the deal rather than for the positive natural consequences that follow a good action.

Sporadic, unexpected rewards: This is an after-the-fact reward, so it won't help them change a bad behavior to a good one, but it will positively reinforce good behaviors. And since it's unexpected, it doesn't have the same effect as a bribe.

Praise: This also is an after-the-fact reward, but it's the most important and also the most frequently forgotten one! Why are we so good at telling our kids what they did wrong and so bad at telling them what they did right? They're growing up in this vacuum of knowing what not to do but not being sure what to do. The awesome feeling of someone recognizing you for doing a good thing can be one of the best motivators to continue on that path of good decisions.

Conclusion

This all seems like a lot to remember, but it boils down to this: Disciplining a child should be done "only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge." And don't forget to apologize when you make a mistake. They'll forgive you. Over. And over. And over.

Getting Kids to Do What You Want, Part 1

We woke up one morning recently to our girls moving all their beds into one room. That's really cute of them, so we left it. But the result is that bedtime has become . . . an ordeal. They just can't find the little-girl willpower within themselves to ignore their sisters and go to sleep. Our various attempts to get them to sleep have got me thinking about how we can get kids to do what we want.

First, there are two crucial things to remember:

1. You cannot actually force kids to go to sleep (or do anything, for that matter). All you can do is persuade.
2. Frustration is always wrong in parenting. So, if you're frustrated, you're doing it wrong. For me, frustration usually means I'm annoyed at myself for not knowing the best way to persuade them.

Okay, so how do you persuade a child to make a good decision?

Step 1: Kindly ask them to do what you want and then teach them why you're asking them to do it. It shouldn't be, "Go clean your room!" Instead, it should be something like, "Will you please clean your room? We want our house to be clean because that helps us have a good feeling in our home." The why part is so often forgotten, but it's crucial! Kids need to learn that good decisions are good because they bring good consequences. And only when a child finally is able to link her consequences with her choices will she start to have the foresight to make decisions with consequences in mind. This may be the most important life skill of all!

Step 2: Repeat Step 1 over and over. Don't expect them to get it in the first 10 (or 20!) times because often they won't. And that's okay--they're kids!

But what if, after repeating Step 1 countless times, your child still not doing what you want?

Step 3: It's decision time. You've got two options: (a) do nothing (other than continue to repeat Step 1 over and over) or (b) add consequences (punishments and/or rewards). I'll talk about punishments and rewards in Part 2, but right now I have some acclaim for the "do nothing" option.

Choosing to do nothing requires saintly patience. It also requires sagacity to ensure it's not perceived by the child as you being powerless/free to be walked all over (don't forget la cadre). But hear me out: I know lots of adults who were hellions as kids, the kind of kids on whom none of the sundry parenting tactics worked, but those hellions still grew up, gained insight, and became awesome people. So maybe we all just need to chill out a bit and remember that as long as we show love to our children and teach them what's right (by word and example), they'll grow out of it. Eventually.